In late January we had to put my Dad into a nursing home. In February I was diagnosed with Graves Disease (extremely hyperactive thyroid). Also in February my husband of 29 years told me that he didn't think he wanted to work on us anymore and that he couldn't forgive me. And in April, on the same day that he confirmed that he had, indeed, chosen the other woman, my dad passed away... on Mom and Dad's 56th anniversary.
The details of our marriage's demise is for another post.
The details of our marriage's demise is for another post.
So, it's fairly obvious that this year has been painful!! I've had those desperate times! Thankfully I ran to Jesus, not back to the bottle or anything/anyone else. Yes, I've had nights that I cry myself to sleep, but I never fall asleep without feeling Jesus' arms around me. I feel like I'm curled up in His lap!
That's what joyful sorrow is. I'm mourning an incredible amount of loss, but God is filling me with peace AND joy.
But, to be honest, I haven't done a lot of crying... until today.
It was burrs that did me in!
It was a beautiful day here in southern Wisconsin. I decided it was time to get a little sunshine and get something productive done at the same time. So, I threw my hair up in a quick bun, grabbed a few garbage bags and headed out to the ditch in front of our house. There is always LOTS of garbage that gets pitched in our ditch... I didn't think there was a "Dump Here" sign, but...
I started at the far end of our property (closer to town) and made my way back. As I got closer to the driveway there was more and more trash. Much of it was in the ditch close to the road, easy to get at. But there was a fair amount up at the edge of the woods too. As you get closer to the driveway the underbrush gets thicker. I was scratching up my newly shaved and moisturized legs. And then I saw it... that large, shiny white bag with a big styrofoam container next to it. Very obvious from the road! It had to go! So, I headed in. I tried to step on the berry vines so I could minimize the scratches. As I got closer to this pile of trash, the thicket got, well, thicker. I bent near the ground and stretched... and reached in... and grabbed it. The styrofoam first... and then the bag. As I was gracefully pulling myself back out... still in a squatting position... my hair got caught in something. I tried to pull up a bit and back... This got me a head full of berry vines. So I tried to duck down farther and pull back... and could feel what was holding me. Burrs! Tiny, velcro-like burrs! Hundreds, maybe thousands of them were covering the back of my shirt and the back of my head. Not to be vanquished by prickly weeds, I yanked my way back out with the agility and poise of a pregnant ox.
Now the back of my shirt and head are covered with these demons-of-the-woods. Of course, my pride would not let me quit the job I'd started. So I went back to ditch-picking... covered in burrs and burr branches... my hair and clothes disheveled and tangled with those little buggers!
I finished filling 3 garbage bags of ditch trash and came inside.
The hairband that I had used to hold my hair up was in a totally different place than I had put it. I carefully pulled it out to discover my hair did not come down. It was so matted with burrs that it was stuck UP!! I calmly started pulling them out... and it was no small task. Each one had hair wound around it and each was stuck to its neighbor!
The frustration turned to anger and then to sadness... I sat down on the bathroom floor and the tears took over... heaving, I cried until the water-proof mascara was all over my face and my burr-covered shirt!
Burrs! God used burrs to get me to the point of releasing weeks worth of fear, resentment and self-pity!
Burrs! God used burrs to get me to the point of releasing weeks worth of fear, resentment and self-pity!
I won't even go into how I burned my hand last night...!
So... I'm done crying. My face is washed. I think I've gotten all the burrs out. Not sure if I should just throw the shirt out. I'm about to go get ready to go to a movie with friends. We're going to see "The Other Woman", of all things. I'll take that laugh now!
Staying on His lap,
Ann
