NEW Year!!

I'm sooooo ready for 2015!! Yeah, I admit it, I am wishing the time away. I keep saying I want to crawl into that nice warm coma for 6 months. Wishing everything would be easier on the other side of that. 

I do realize that the very thing that I dread is what I need... time. Time to feel. Time to process and time to heal.

Many would call 2014 a year of loss. But God is taking away the feelings of "loss" and replacing it with "change".

When the reason for my bleeding doesn't make sense...

It Is Well - David Dunn
When the heartache and the headaches
Take my breath away
When the sunshine and the moonlight burn my skin

When the sadness overwhelms us
The troubled water rises
When the reason for my bleeding don't make sense
And I'm not, I'm not in control

When my world comes crashing down around my head
And I, I feel like I got nothing left
Oh, Oh, I'm not in control, oh, oh
But it is well with my soul

When oppression and depression
Have their way with me
When the hurting and the healing feel the same

When the sadness overwhelms us
And troubled water rises
When the reason for my bleeding don't make sense
And I'm not, I'm not in control

When my world comes crashing down around my head
And I, I feel like I got nothing left
Oh, Oh, I'm not in control, oh, oh
But it is well with my soul

In the sadness that is tearing at my soul
I remember that you always had control
Your love is crystal clear

"Hook"
We just somebody running
You just somebody running
We just somebody running
We never saw it coming
We just somebody running
You just somebody running
We just somebody running

Christmas 2014

It's Christmas and I want to make a special note of this holiday... because there is a lot of significance in it for me this year. 

2014 has been a year of major changes in my life. I'd been dreading the holidays, somewhat. I figured it would be tough...

But it was a beautiful, family-filled, fun week and a half. I'm so thankful for my 3 great kids and their spouses/SOs... and those precious grand-babies! I'm also thankful for my in-laws. The annual get-together at my M and FIL's was great fun and they all made sure I was aware of their love, acceptance and support.

God is so good to me!!

Deception... more confirmation

Again, God is watching out for me!!! He keeps giving me hints that there's something "hinky" that needs to be looked into.

T had told me he would be in North Dakota from the 8th until maybe the 21st or 22nd. I asked him to give me more of a definite return date because I needed to make plans... Christmas was getting closer. 

The last week that T was in North Dakota I had a feeling that he wasn't there the whole time he said he would be. I found hints all over the place.

I had texted him several times and eventually started calling him Tuesday the 16th (the day after his 51st birthday). His phone was shut off, it went immediately to voicemail. He finally texted back on Wednesday that he wouldn't be finishing the job until probably Friday Dec 19th. (Sheesh, I almost sound like a stalker, haha)

On Friday I tried to find out when he'd be home so I could make plans... and I needed to know for certain that he'd be home. The woodstove needs to be attended to and there were animals to consider. I called again and got the voicemail. I decided to see if the password was the same as it was last spring... it was. I listened to a message he had skipped. It was from the foreman out in ND. Tony had obviously left ND on Tuesday sometime.

Side note: while I was in his voicemail I changed the answering message. I had changed it last spring, it sounded like I was irritated, which I was. I changed it to sound more pleasant. 

So, I've been keeping the woodstove going... having to lift huge logs because he didn't bother to split any. I've been taking care of the animals (actually the most pleasant part of the 2 weeks... other than the sleep number bed). I was the one that had to deal with almost no hot water because he didn't bother to clean the hot water exchange before he left. I had spent days there cleaning rooms out. And I was the one to run around for days trying to get his business insurance reinstated. And he's off with his girlfriend when he's told me he's working. Gee... how was that supposed to make me feel?!

But God...

As He always does... God comforted me and changed my perspective. It was just confirmation that T has no intention of doing the right thing. And I have to let him go to meet the consequences he's hurdling himself toward.

House-sitting at my own house

That sounds funny doesn't it? But that's what I'm doing. 

T got a contract to work on a building out in North Dakota so he asked if I could keep the woodstove going and feed the dogs and cats. Of course I said "Yes", it meant I would be able to sleep on my own sleep-number bed!! Aaaaahhh... I have missed that thing!

He said he'd be gone a "few weeks" at first, then said it would be two weeks. He told me he was leaving Monday afternoon on the 8th December. I met him there before he left. I felt the need to talk to him about something God had impressed on my heart the weekend before.

T really didn't want to talk, but finally said, "Ok, hurry up" when I told him I had a couple things I needed to say before he left. I waited until he was done doing something on his phone and said, "You've said that you're no longer in pain since you took your feelings away from me, right?" He said that was right. I asked him, "You know that you not being in pain doesn't mean God healed you, right?" He just stared at me. After about 30 seconds I said, "You don't feel pain because you've stuffed it. And feelings never stay buried. They eventually come bubbling up... often much worse than before and almost always at the worst time." He just stared at me some more. I told him I didn't want him to have to be in that kind of pain. ...more staring... Then I said, "God wants to heal us... together." Which was met by more stares. About a minute of silence followed as he stared at me and tied his boots. I finally said, "That's all I needed to say." He got up and said, "Well, I gotta get going."

His reactions were confirmation of what God has asked me to do... to step back. It's a crossroads, of sorts. I feel God is saying I have done more than enough and given him more than enough time to come back with very little complication. It's time to step back and get out of the way of the consequences headed in T's direction.

I hurt for him! But I can't rescue him!

Gratitude

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Today is November 26th, 2014... it's the day before Thanksgiving. I think back on this year and I truly see so many things for which to be thankful. Yes... it has been a really, really, REALLY hard year! However, through all of it, I have learned so many things about my Savior and have experienced, intimately, His overwhelming love and grace. How can I not be thankful?! I may not be thankful FOR everything, but I am certainly thankful IN all these things!

I recently found an article that I have taken as a personal challenge: Letting Go of a Relationship with Gratitude. It's about learning to focus on the positive aspects of an ending relationship... mine being my marriage. It also encourages you to look into the learning experiences (whether good or bad) that came from the relationship. 

I'm just beginning the journal... and I think it's going to take me a LONG time (and many boxes of tissues) to finish it... if ever. I can tell you that the first items in it are my children!! Yes, I can easily think of many things about my 30 years with T that make me thankful, but my 3 kids are at the TOP of that list!!

So, as I work on that journal, I hope to have some things I can share... things that God is teaching me. I have so much to learn... and so much that makes me grateful.

Saddle Up Your Horses!!

The Great Adventure - Steven Curtis Chapman

I've Been Forgiven!

Blameless - Dara Maclean

The Strangest Things...

The strangest things make me cry. Am at "our" house today. Cleaning out and packing up more things. Some of these things make me smile... like the countless candles and holders. I love candles... always have, always will.

For some reason when I took a cute "welcome friends" sign down off the side of the house, I broke down in tears. It was a gift from T. It's kind of kitschy, but it has hearts and acorns... some more of my favorite things. I remember when he put it up on the house. It made me smile every time I'd drive up to the house. I've always hoped it was the first thing that people saw and it would start to warm their heart.

But this house is no longer welcoming. And I have to process that. I don't think I have to be okay with it not being warm and welcoming anymore, but I can NOT let that affect me. My "home" is with Jesus. And I don't mean Heaven in this instance. I mean I'm Jesus' home. He's in me and with me everywhere I go. So, like a turtle, I take my home with me. Haha!!

I might have to add turtles as 'some of my favorite things'!!

30th Anniversary?

Every time I see a post on facebook about someone's anniversary... I must let out an audible, heavy sigh. I am happy for them, but right now it hurts. I know I'll be able to rejoice with the celebrators again... someday... but this year will be tough!

This December 29th will be (maybe) our 30th anniversary. I say "maybe" because I really don't know. Everyone... friends, family, lawyers... say to make the cut as soon as possible because of his inability to get anything done with our mutual property. His inability is going to become a liability.

My original plan was to not convert the legal separation to a divorce at all and let him do it because... I don't want to divorce him!!! I've thought about letting it go the full year and then revisit the issue. Then, I've thought it would be good to wait until after the anniversary to be able to say that at least we made it 30 years. But maybe it's more "poetic" to end it before a major milestone like 30 years. It basically ended right after our 29th anyway.

I'm still not exactly sure what happened!

His facebook post on our anniversary said, "For 29 years I wake up every morning reach over and think to myself "she's still here". Wow that woman has unending patience. :-) " And by the end of January he was telling me that he didn't want to work on us anymore and didn't think he could forgive me.

So, what the tar happened?!!

A marriage takes two! Period! 

Our 29 years of marriage weren't perfect, but they weren't horrible either. I remember the many times I felt loved and the many times he told me he felt loved. Yet, that was the problem come January... he "never felt loved"... and even said I wasn't capable of loving someone. I realize he had to say things to rationalize his actions. But to be honest there is some truth in there. I can understand how he might feel unloved. I'd grown un-trusting. 

Until all this happened, I never would have called T abusive, but decades of his anger and aggression left me not trusting him. 

Six years ago T started to change. His relationship with Jesus truly started to become real and close. He became gregarious and compassionate. I loved the changes. He was suddenly, as I've often described it, 85% less aggressive and angry. But anytime I'd see ANY anger or impatience my insides would close up... I was just sure the old T was back. I could not completely forgive him. There were days that I'd let it go. However, when something would happen between us, I'd pick up the old hurt and feel the bitterness creep back in. I'm sure he could feel the wall I had in my heart. 

You know... I always held out hope that things would get better, that we could get help. But he refused to get counseling. I've asked MANY times over 29 years that we go for counseling. He'd have nothing of it. I know he thought he should be able to fix what was broken and fix what he'd broken. I naively and pridefully thought we could repair ourselves... never really understanding ALL the broken things there were. And I didn't know all the brokenness that was inside him... that was broken long before I even met him. 

T grew in Jesus greatly and was encouraging so many people! Last fall a sweet little church in town asked him to come and be their co-pastor. How exciting! We felt he was being called there. I KNOW it was a true calling. 

He started in November of 2013. Unfortunately, neither one of us knew what kind of storm satan was going to send our way. And we were definitely not prepared for it. We didn't have the tools to prepare us for it or to weather this kind of storm. And, of course, it came in the form of an attractive, needy woman. What started as encouragement to a harried mom of two girls (one with special needs) who felt neglected by her husband... quickly grew to much more. And in less than two months he dove off that cliff. He went from his warm, sweet anniversary post on Dec 29th, 2013 - to telling me that she fulfilled the emotional needs that I "never did"... before the end of February, 2014.

Over the last 8 months I've asked and even begged... and lovingly offered for us to work on reconciling. He has chosen to stay on this path away from me and away from his family.

The heaviest question that has been on my mind since he first said he couldn't forgive me was... "How can he get so 'hot in Jesus' to suddenly go so cold?!" NOTHING about it made sense... until last weekend. 

A shaft of light, a glimpse into what happened came during that sweet conversation I had with my daughter in a cute, little Starbucks on WI Ave.

Gwen said God gave her a picture of what He's tried to do with her Dad. 

God had spent decades pursuing T and 6-7 years ago he started to open up to what God has for him. He opened up to the overwhelming love and grace God has for him. God was pouring Himself into T and he was flourishing. But there were a few "rooms" that T wouldn't let God in to deal with what was inside. He wouldn't even admit that they needed to be dealt with or couldn't admit the rooms even existed! 

These are rooms that hold wounds. The room that holds the wounds from his childhood; deep wounds that are still infected. There's also the room that holds the wounds he had inflicted on us, his family. I can understand not wanting to go in there! How painful it must be to even admit those rooms exist, let alone peek in there. I'm sure it's so painful that he refused to go in there. (I know. I've had to open the door to rooms I'd avoided for decades too. It "hurts like thunder"!!!) He would have to give an account for his actions and his pride wouldn't let him. He was going to have to admit that there were wounds that affected him and his pride kept him from that too. Who knows what other secret rooms are in there that he refuses to let God deal with and heal?! 

So, like the apostle Paul dealt with pride in Hymeneaus and Alexander in 1 Timothy 1:19-29, God is letting T go his own way... to be "handed over to satan." No, I don't believe he's lost his salvation! But he had certainly grown very prideful in "his" message. Yet didn't let God in to take care of what needed to be taken care of! God didn't create us as robots and won't force Himself or His love, mercy and grace on anyone! T has to come to the end of himself. 

I'm thankful God has given me the ability to forgive T. I have a huge amount of pity for him. Not the kind of pity that goes and rescues... Jesus is the only one that can truly rescue! Pity... or maybe it's empathy... it doesn't have to be this way. T is in for a world of hurt and it would be (in my mind) so easy to avoid this pain. Add to that the pain of realizing, eventually, he is taking two families with him... and hundreds of others who trusted him and love him.

Thankfully, this family... our two sons and daughter... has chosen to try not to agonize over T's choices and we want God to redeem our past and give us life abundant!!

That life abundant will eventually include being able to focus on the wonderful things that happened in the 29 years of my marriage to T. It may include a redemption of that marriage. And it may not. But life abundant is mine anyway! It's because on April 7th, 1970 I chose to believe that Jesus came and died for me and God raised Him from the dead. In essence Jesus became my bridegroom that day. So, truthfully...? I'm getting close to my 45th anniversary next April. I think I'll focus on that one!!

Come on in...

Welcome Home - by Shaun Groves

That stinky pile in the corner...

Romans 8:26-30

I often look back and see how God has been orchestrating things to create a single event that can be life-changing! It happened again recently.

First I have to say one thing: I do NOT believe God causes bad things to happen. We can see how God uses bad, evil things to teach us, but He does not cause evil!! We live in a fallen world and there is evil out there and for now, God is allowing it... and He will redeem it all eventually. Right now, in Christ, He has redeemed us, our actions and continues to redeem... for our good!

OK, back to the orchestrating... 

I went to the Dr. last week to address some issues that were beyond ignoring any longer. I'd become (even more) spacey and it was affecting my job. So I went with the intention of looking at possible hormone issues... or vitamin or mineral deficiencies. As the visit progressed though, she realized that my biggest problem is stress. With my thyroid going crazy and its removal, my Dad's health decline and his passing and my husband's betrayal... my health was going in the wrong direction. She put me on Short-term disability/FMLA until October 1st. 

Of course, my first reaction is to feel guilty!! In my eyes this is the WORST time to leave work! We have a major fundraiser coming up next week! (Big eye-roll) God's working on the guilt and I know there's a purpose to the timing of this. I'm only beginning to see it. And one of His purposes came to fruition this weekend.

This summer I hurt my back a bit. Nothing serious, just pinched some nerves while packing and moving. The Dr. gave me some stretching exercises and they've been helping. But it's been tender enough, I wasn't sure I'd be able to walk in the annual Briggs and Al's Run & Walk for Children's Hospital. It wasn't hurting Saturday morning, so I thought it would be fine. However, we got about a third of the way into the walk and I knew I'd better not push it. So Gwen and I spent the rest of the morning at Starbucks chatting. 

We both needed it!! 

I was able to listen to some things that God had put on her heart and be blessed. He'd given her truths that I needed to hear. And through circumstances and recent interactions with people He'd already been preparing my heart to hear them and receive them.

I am profoundly amazed at my Heavenly Daddy's love for me! He orchestrates, nurtures and protects even in the events and places that we don't think to ask! And abundantly so in those that we remember to ask!!

So... if you happen to see a moldy pile of stinky burdens in the corner by the fireplace in a cute, little Starbucks on Wisconsin Ave in Milwaukee... just ignore them and walk away. I left them there with the help of a sweet daughter who knows how to convey God's messages to a mama's heart! Go order the Salted Caramel Mocha and revel in its delightful salty-sweetness and know that God has so much more for us here AND in Heaven!

Back off, sucka!!

Throughout the last 8 months or so I've had so many people tell me, "You're such a strong woman!" And each time I cringe inside because I know the truth... I'm weaker than wet toilet paper!! 

Satan's minions have been working overtime to steal some things that are rightfully mine. And these aren't the cute little yellow minions we enjoy in a kid's movie! These are the kind that spy on us and lie to us. Their boss is called the father of lies and he knows how to use those lies, REALLY well!

In Ephesians 6 (the Whole Armor of God) we're encouraged to hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery darts our enemy shoots at us. I believe there are thousands of different kinds of darts he uses. But his lies are some of his most affective.

Yes, satan lies to people to try and trip them up. These are the lies that say, "Oh come on, the government already gets so much of your money, it's ok if you hide this income." Or "Nooo... it's fine, you deserve happiness, so go ahead step out of that marriage where you don't feel fulfilled." Those could be considered the obvious lies.

The dart, the lie, that Satan likes to use most on me is condemnation. Even when he lies to get us to rationalize bad behavior... it's to use condemnation to paralyze us. For decades, I didn't understand... didn't believe the full scope of God's love for me. I believed that because I wasn't the "perfect little Christian girl" that God was mad at me... or at least was holding a grudge because I had sinned after making my decision to believe in Him. It didn't matter how many times I'd asked forgiveness for the same thing... I still felt condemned. Aaaah, there it is... the word "felt". And every time I messed up, I felt more condemned. I'd read Romans 8:1 many times, so why did I still feel condemned?! Lies... believing lies! It was logical, in my head, it was because I wasn't "perfect" that a perfect God would be mad that I have not been able to live up to "His standard". That is a total, satanic lie!!!

The book of Isaiah is a book of prophecy. In Isaiah 53 we can read details of Jesus' life and death, His sacrifice to redeem us. Then in Isaiah 54 we see how we reap the benefits of this sacrifice. Isaiah 54:9-10 is a passage that talks loudly... no, I'm gonna say it screams to me!! God's not mad!! He no longer looks at my past, my mistakes, my sins... I'm redeemed, I'm HIS!

I still struggle with hearing and believing the lies.  And I eventually realize it and tell satan to, "Back off sucka! You have no power here!!" I look forward to the day when those lies are nothing but an ignore-able whisper. 

Now, when people tell me I'm strong and I remind them I'm not... I don't want to make them feel bad or silly or make them think I don't know what they mean. I do understand. I probably would say the same thing. But the fact is; I am weak! And it's ok, because I know where to go when life gets really heavy!

How white is that...?!

Isaiah 1:18 ...Though your sins are like scarlet,  I will make them as white as snow...

God knows I learn better with pictures. Do visuals help you learn His truths?

I had experienced a couple of hard days and was in need of one of those pictures! Tired, I crawled into bed, turned on my favorite worship mix on Spotify and closed my eyes... I believe I was falling asleep as...

From behind, I saw Jesus sitting on a bench. I felt Him drawing me close, so I walked around the bench and stood next to Him. The only thing in my view was his lap. I didn't see His upper body or His feet... just His lap. He was wearing His a pure white robe, the same robe I always picture Him in.  I smiled and sat down next to Him. All that was in my view was His lap and my lap next to each other. 

I was admiring His white robe and I looked at mine and it was white too. I squinted a little, tilted my head and, of course, I had to argue that point. I started to imagine smudges on my robe. I even said to Jesus, "After all we both know I'm not perfect..." and He stopped me. A question hung in the air.  Again I tried to say, "Well, you have to admit... (I was thinking about my sins)" and He stopped me again... with the same question...  with a smile to His voice, "Oh really?" I gasped! My eyes popped open as I realized what He was trying to tell me!  That's what He did on the cross... and He did it completely... I'm forgiven! I'm clean! 

I closed my eyes again and looked back at our laps... they were still next to each other.  I smiled as I felt His arm around me. My robe is as pure white as Jesus' robe. 

That's what "It is finished" meant!! How cool is that?! How white is that?!

Back in the saddle again... err, something like that

I just spent several days in a really dark place!

Last week I started praying for T again and, of course, satan tried to needle me with, "Gee, Ann, you must be a horrible person for not praying for your husband since April 12th. (That's the day my Dad passed away. Yeah, the enemy even knows how to put dates to accusations.) THEN he sent a few people my way that were questioning what I was doing. And they began pushing... Don't give up, Do this, Don't do this, Do that... And then there were the questions... How long do you pray over him every day? Have you fasted 40 days? Are you reading the Word for such-number-of-hours a day? And these are only slight exaggerations. Not that any of those things are bad. BUT why was my spirit so restless?!!

I left work early yesterday because I just couldn't concentrate anymore. (My supervisors have been extremely supportive. They've even said to not be afraid to just ask if I just need to leave if I'm having "one of those days.) Which is exactly what yesterday was. So, I went home and got some things done outside and got a bit more packing done. Got some exercise in and took a nice long, warm shower... fell asleep early and woke up feeling like God was telling me something. He opened my eyes to how and why all those recent comments were so disturbing to me. They were all about what I have to DO. What?! Like I have to DO something to try and convince God I'm serious or something?!! Since all of this started, God has wanted me to rest in Him, and He's given me so much peace! He made it obvious that I'm NOT supposed to be STRIVING in this. All He's wanted was for me to trust Him and rest in Him. So when I let myself get pulled out of that place of rest, I got anxious and discouraged. What a difference that revelation has made!! The peace is back! 

A couple months ago my daughter encouraged me to go to John 10 and go through the "shepherd" part and put my name in where I found the word "Sheep". (Please, do this! You won't regret it!) Here are the sections I love: "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give her a rich and satisfying life... I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices His life for Annie. A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming. He will abandon Annie because she doesn't belong to him and he isn't her shepherd... My Annie listens to my voice; I know her, and she follows me. I give her eternal life, and she will never perish. No one can snatch her away from me, for my Father has given her to me, and He is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch her from the Father’s hand. The Father and I are one.”

So, I'm not going to listen to the "hired hand". Going to listen to the true shepherd!

Yep, just gonna stay in His lap... OK, so it's not a saddle, but "back in the lap again" isn't very catchy.

This is the story of a bride in white...

Holy (Wedding Day) - The City Harmonic

Ok Alone

God gave me a unique picture a few days ago. Was driving home and up ahead I saw a bird by the side of the road. As I got closer I expected it to fly away, it didn't. Then I saw why. It was a mourning dove (they mate for life) standing by her partner that had obviously been hit by a car... she (not sure why, but it was a "she" in my mind) was touching him with her beak - trying to wake him up, but it was too late. 

I said out loud, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry! I'm there too." (Who calls a bird, "Honey"?! Haha)

Many times in our marriage I had tried to warn T of the danger headed his way... our way. Most recently my warnings took on an urgency. But when he ventured out... got too close; it hit him and he could no longer respond to reason, to reality.

And then I felt God adding to my comment to her, "You will be OK, it will take a little bit, but you'll learn you're OK without him."

Needless to say, I had to slow down... hard to drive through tears.

Matthew 10:29-31

Dry Bones! Come to Life!!

Savior's Here - Kari Jobe

Dead Come to Life - by Jonathan Thulin w/ Charmaine

Alive - All Sons and Daughters
Come Back to Life - Kerrie Roberts

Awake My Soul - Chris Tomlin w/ Lecrae

Break Every Chain - Digital Age

UGH! ...and Ahhh...

I'm really angry right now! And yet, thankful.

I have been in a season of great pain and loss. Jesus keeps filling me with great joy and peace.

I have had to come to the realization that I have let my worth and standing in Jesus be wrapped up in my relationship with my husband. As he has pulled away from me I've seen where I've wrapped my security in how I think he feels about me. The farther T gets from me the more I unwrap those ties. I am being pursued by my Savior.

In January and early February, when I needed him to be helpful and supportive when Dad went into the nursing home. T had turned inward. He was more worried about how his emotional needs were not being met.

When I needed his support over my Graves Disease diagnosis, he was selfishly pursuing support from his girlfriend.

When my Dad was getting weaker, T was lying and hiding behind his mask... diving deeper into a self-gratifying relationship with someone else's wife.

When Dad passed away, all T could do was stand in the shadows and try to toss empty sympathy my way. He can't make himself do the right thing.

He should have been by my side through all of this!! His selfishness and cowardice kept him creeping around in the dark.

I have to be thankful, though. Because - as my husband has been consumed by his own wants... I had to rely on something, no, Someone else. 

Jesus has been waiting for me to depend on Him for everything. Now that (what I thought was) everything has been pulled out from under me... I had nowhere else to go but to Jesus!!

How could I regret that?!

Staying on His Lap

Joyful Sorrow and Burrs

I never would have understood that phrase until now. Joyful sorrow... it seems an oxymoron.

In late January we had to put my Dad into a nursing home. In February I was diagnosed with Graves Disease (extremely hyperactive thyroid). Also in February my husband of 29 years told me that he didn't think he wanted to work on us anymore and that he couldn't forgive me. And in April, on the same day that he confirmed that he had, indeed, chosen the other woman, my dad passed away... on Mom and Dad's 56th anniversary.

The details of our marriage's demise is for another post. 

So, it's fairly obvious that this year has been painful!! I've had those desperate times! Thankfully I ran to Jesus, not back to the bottle or anything/anyone else.  Yes, I've had nights that I cry myself to sleep, but I never fall asleep without feeling Jesus' arms around me. I feel like I'm curled up in His lap!

That's what joyful sorrow is. I'm mourning an incredible amount of loss, but God is filling me with peace AND joy.

But, to be honest, I haven't done a lot of crying... until today.

It was burrs that did me in!

It was a beautiful day here in southern Wisconsin. I decided it was time to get a little sunshine and get something productive done at the same time. So, I threw my hair up in a quick bun, grabbed a few garbage bags and headed out to the ditch in front of our house. There is always LOTS of garbage that gets pitched in our ditch... I didn't think there was a "Dump Here" sign, but...

I started at the far end of our property (closer to town) and made my way back. As I got closer to the driveway there was more and more trash. Much of it was in the ditch close to the road, easy to get at. But there was a fair amount up at the edge of the woods too. As you get closer to the driveway the underbrush gets thicker. I was scratching up my newly shaved and moisturized legs. And then I saw it... that large, shiny white bag with a big styrofoam container next to it. Very obvious from the road! It had to go! So, I headed in. I tried to step on the berry vines so I could minimize the scratches. As I got closer to this pile of trash, the thicket got, well, thicker. I bent near the ground and stretched... and reached in... and grabbed it. The styrofoam first... and then the bag. As I was gracefully pulling myself back out... still in a squatting position... my hair got caught in something. I tried to pull up a bit and back... This got me a head full of berry vines. So I tried to duck down farther and pull back... and could feel what was holding me. Burrs! Tiny, velcro-like burrs! Hundreds, maybe thousands of them were covering the back of my shirt and the back of my head. Not to be vanquished by prickly weeds, I yanked my way back out with the agility and poise of a pregnant ox. 

Now the back of my shirt and head are covered with these demons-of-the-woods. Of course, my pride would not let me quit the job I'd started. So I went back to ditch-picking... covered in burrs and burr branches... my hair and clothes disheveled and tangled with those little buggers!

I finished filling 3 garbage bags of ditch trash and came inside.

The hairband that I had used to hold my hair up was in a totally different place than I had put it. I carefully pulled it out to discover my hair did not come down. It was so matted with burrs that it was stuck UP!! I calmly started pulling them out...  and it was no small task. Each one had hair wound around it and each was stuck to its neighbor!

The frustration turned to anger and then to sadness... I sat down on the bathroom floor and the tears took over... heaving, I cried until the water-proof mascara was all over my face and my burr-covered shirt! 

Burrs! God used burrs to get me to the point of releasing weeks worth of fear, resentment and self-pity!  

I won't even go into how I burned my hand last night...! 

So... I'm done crying. My face is washed. I think I've gotten all the burrs out. Not sure if I should just throw the shirt out. I'm about to go get ready to go to a movie with friends. We're going to see "The Other Woman", of all things. I'll take that laugh now! 

Staying on His lap,

Ann

God can use EVERYTHING!

Nothing Is Wasted - by Jason Gray

(NOTE: I posted this just as I found out my husband of 29 yrs was having an affair with a friend of mine. I still thought the marriage could be saved.)