I'm really angry right now! And yet, thankful.
I have been in a season of great pain and loss. Jesus keeps filling me with great joy and peace.
I have had to come to the realization that I have let my worth and standing in Jesus be wrapped up in my relationship with my husband. As he has pulled away from me I've seen where I've wrapped my security in how I think he feels about me. The farther T gets from me the more I unwrap those ties. I am being pursued by my Savior.
In January and early February, when I needed him to be helpful and supportive when Dad went into the nursing home. T had turned inward. He was more worried about how his emotional needs were not being met.
When I needed his support over my Graves Disease diagnosis, he was selfishly pursuing support from his girlfriend.
When my Dad was getting weaker, T was lying and hiding behind his mask... diving deeper into a self-gratifying relationship with someone else's wife.
When Dad passed away, all T could do was stand in the shadows and try to toss empty sympathy my way. He can't make himself do the right thing.
He should have been by my side through all of this!! His selfishness and cowardice kept him creeping around in the dark.
I have to be thankful, though. Because - as my husband has been consumed by his own wants... I had to rely on something, no, Someone else.
Jesus has been waiting for me to depend on Him for everything. Now that (what I thought was) everything has been pulled out from under me... I had nowhere else to go but to Jesus!!
How could I regret that?!
Staying on His Lap
