I'm sooooo ready for 2015!! Yeah, I admit it, I am wishing the time away. I keep saying I want to crawl into that nice warm coma for 6 months. Wishing everything would be easier on the other side of that.
I do realize that the very thing that I dread is what I need... time. Time to feel. Time to process and time to heal.
Many would call 2014 a year of loss. But God is taking away the feelings of "loss" and replacing it with "change".
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, December 28, 2014
When the reason for my bleeding doesn't make sense...
It Is Well - David Dunn
When the heartache and the headaches
Take my breath away
When the sunshine and the moonlight burn my skin
When the sadness overwhelms us
The troubled water rises
When the reason for my bleeding don't make sense
And I'm not, I'm not in control
When my world comes crashing down around my head
And I, I feel like I got nothing left
Oh, Oh, I'm not in control, oh, oh
But it is well with my soul
When oppression and depression
Have their way with me
When the hurting and the healing feel the same
When the sadness overwhelms us
And troubled water rises
When the reason for my bleeding don't make sense
And I'm not, I'm not in control
When my world comes crashing down around my head
And I, I feel like I got nothing left
Oh, Oh, I'm not in control, oh, oh
But it is well with my soul
In the sadness that is tearing at my soul
I remember that you always had control
Your love is crystal clear
"Hook"
We just somebody running
You just somebody running
We just somebody running
We never saw it coming
We just somebody running
You just somebody running
We just somebody running
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Christmas 2014
It's Christmas and I want to make a special note of this holiday... because there is a lot of significance in it for me this year.
2014 has been a year of major changes in my life. I'd been dreading the holidays, somewhat. I figured it would be tough...
But it was a beautiful, family-filled, fun week and a half. I'm so thankful for my 3 great kids and their spouses/SOs... and those precious grand-babies! I'm also thankful for my in-laws. The annual get-together at my M and FIL's was great fun and they all made sure I was aware of their love, acceptance and support.
God is so good to me!!
2014 has been a year of major changes in my life. I'd been dreading the holidays, somewhat. I figured it would be tough...
But it was a beautiful, family-filled, fun week and a half. I'm so thankful for my 3 great kids and their spouses/SOs... and those precious grand-babies! I'm also thankful for my in-laws. The annual get-together at my M and FIL's was great fun and they all made sure I was aware of their love, acceptance and support.
God is so good to me!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Deception... more confirmation
Again, God is watching out for me!!! He keeps giving me hints that there's something "hinky" that needs to be looked into.
T had told me he would be in North Dakota from the 8th until maybe the 21st or 22nd. I asked him to give me more of a definite return date because I needed to make plans... Christmas was getting closer.
The last week that T was in North Dakota I had a feeling that he wasn't there the whole time he said he would be. I found hints all over the place.
I had texted him several times and eventually started calling him Tuesday the 16th (the day after his 51st birthday). His phone was shut off, it went immediately to voicemail. He finally texted back on Wednesday that he wouldn't be finishing the job until probably Friday Dec 19th. (Sheesh, I almost sound like a stalker, haha)
On Friday I tried to find out when he'd be home so I could make plans... and I needed to know for certain that he'd be home. The woodstove needs to be attended to and there were animals to consider. I called again and got the voicemail. I decided to see if the password was the same as it was last spring... it was. I listened to a message he had skipped. It was from the foreman out in ND. Tony had obviously left ND on Tuesday sometime.
Side note: while I was in his voicemail I changed the answering message. I had changed it last spring, it sounded like I was irritated, which I was. I changed it to sound more pleasant.
So, I've been keeping the woodstove going... having to lift huge logs because he didn't bother to split any. I've been taking care of the animals (actually the most pleasant part of the 2 weeks... other than the sleep number bed). I was the one that had to deal with almost no hot water because he didn't bother to clean the hot water exchange before he left. I had spent days there cleaning rooms out. And I was the one to run around for days trying to get his business insurance reinstated. And he's off with his girlfriend when he's told me he's working. Gee... how was that supposed to make me feel?!
But God...
As He always does... God comforted me and changed my perspective. It was just confirmation that T has no intention of doing the right thing. And I have to let him go to meet the consequences he's hurdling himself toward.
T had told me he would be in North Dakota from the 8th until maybe the 21st or 22nd. I asked him to give me more of a definite return date because I needed to make plans... Christmas was getting closer.
The last week that T was in North Dakota I had a feeling that he wasn't there the whole time he said he would be. I found hints all over the place.
I had texted him several times and eventually started calling him Tuesday the 16th (the day after his 51st birthday). His phone was shut off, it went immediately to voicemail. He finally texted back on Wednesday that he wouldn't be finishing the job until probably Friday Dec 19th. (Sheesh, I almost sound like a stalker, haha)
On Friday I tried to find out when he'd be home so I could make plans... and I needed to know for certain that he'd be home. The woodstove needs to be attended to and there were animals to consider. I called again and got the voicemail. I decided to see if the password was the same as it was last spring... it was. I listened to a message he had skipped. It was from the foreman out in ND. Tony had obviously left ND on Tuesday sometime.
Side note: while I was in his voicemail I changed the answering message. I had changed it last spring, it sounded like I was irritated, which I was. I changed it to sound more pleasant.
So, I've been keeping the woodstove going... having to lift huge logs because he didn't bother to split any. I've been taking care of the animals (actually the most pleasant part of the 2 weeks... other than the sleep number bed). I was the one that had to deal with almost no hot water because he didn't bother to clean the hot water exchange before he left. I had spent days there cleaning rooms out. And I was the one to run around for days trying to get his business insurance reinstated. And he's off with his girlfriend when he's told me he's working. Gee... how was that supposed to make me feel?!
But God...
As He always does... God comforted me and changed my perspective. It was just confirmation that T has no intention of doing the right thing. And I have to let him go to meet the consequences he's hurdling himself toward.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
House-sitting at my own house
That sounds funny doesn't it? But that's what I'm doing.
T got a contract to work on a building out in North Dakota so he asked if I could keep the woodstove going and feed the dogs and cats. Of course I said "Yes", it meant I would be able to sleep on my own sleep-number bed!! Aaaaahhh... I have missed that thing!
He said he'd be gone a "few weeks" at first, then said it would be two weeks. He told me he was leaving Monday afternoon on the 8th December. I met him there before he left. I felt the need to talk to him about something God had impressed on my heart the weekend before.
T really didn't want to talk, but finally said, "Ok, hurry up" when I told him I had a couple things I needed to say before he left. I waited until he was done doing something on his phone and said, "You've said that you're no longer in pain since you took your feelings away from me, right?" He said that was right. I asked him, "You know that you not being in pain doesn't mean God healed you, right?" He just stared at me. After about 30 seconds I said, "You don't feel pain because you've stuffed it. And feelings never stay buried. They eventually come bubbling up... often much worse than before and almost always at the worst time." He just stared at me some more. I told him I didn't want him to have to be in that kind of pain. ...more staring... Then I said, "God wants to heal us... together." Which was met by more stares. About a minute of silence followed as he stared at me and tied his boots. I finally said, "That's all I needed to say." He got up and said, "Well, I gotta get going."
His reactions were confirmation of what God has asked me to do... to step back. It's a crossroads, of sorts. I feel God is saying I have done more than enough and given him more than enough time to come back with very little complication. It's time to step back and get out of the way of the consequences headed in T's direction.
I hurt for him! But I can't rescue him!
T got a contract to work on a building out in North Dakota so he asked if I could keep the woodstove going and feed the dogs and cats. Of course I said "Yes", it meant I would be able to sleep on my own sleep-number bed!! Aaaaahhh... I have missed that thing!
He said he'd be gone a "few weeks" at first, then said it would be two weeks. He told me he was leaving Monday afternoon on the 8th December. I met him there before he left. I felt the need to talk to him about something God had impressed on my heart the weekend before.
T really didn't want to talk, but finally said, "Ok, hurry up" when I told him I had a couple things I needed to say before he left. I waited until he was done doing something on his phone and said, "You've said that you're no longer in pain since you took your feelings away from me, right?" He said that was right. I asked him, "You know that you not being in pain doesn't mean God healed you, right?" He just stared at me. After about 30 seconds I said, "You don't feel pain because you've stuffed it. And feelings never stay buried. They eventually come bubbling up... often much worse than before and almost always at the worst time." He just stared at me some more. I told him I didn't want him to have to be in that kind of pain. ...more staring... Then I said, "God wants to heal us... together." Which was met by more stares. About a minute of silence followed as he stared at me and tied his boots. I finally said, "That's all I needed to say." He got up and said, "Well, I gotta get going."
His reactions were confirmation of what God has asked me to do... to step back. It's a crossroads, of sorts. I feel God is saying I have done more than enough and given him more than enough time to come back with very little complication. It's time to step back and get out of the way of the consequences headed in T's direction.
I hurt for him! But I can't rescue him!
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