Annie's way to see in the dark? Close your eyes...

Amanda, my niece-in-law (is that what you call your nephew's wife?!) tagged me in a post with a beautiful arrangement of one of my favorite 70's songs, Annie's Song! Of COURSE, I love that song!! It has my name in it! ...doesn't everybody have a little self-centeredness in them?! 

The young man plays it on a unique instrument and is accompanied by a violinist... take a listen, it's beautiful!

I played it over, several times. The sound is simply intriguing. Plus, there was something familiar about the way it sounded. Especially the intro... 

Then it hit me... It sounds like the intro to a song that Jesus has used many times to comfort me. He's used it to remind me how much He loves me and how close He is, all the time, even when everything seemed incredibly dark!! 

Maybe you're needing a Hand to hold in the night... A Way to See in the Dark by Jason Gray.

It IS risky! It's downright dangerous!!

A while back, I was chatting with an unmarried friend about the demise of my first marriage, he commented, "I don't know how ANYbody can get married! How can you really know someone enough to marry them? It's just too risky!"

Those words have tumbled around in my head ever since. I've come to the conclusion that he is partially correct. I completely understand why he feels that way. He said it out of his observations of married friends and family members. No marriage is perfect and it sure isn't easy!! Marriage probably is the riskiest thing you can ever do in life. Riskier than mountain climbing or skydiving. If you don't make the right choices... you will lose your life!

BUT... in the risk and the danger is so much good, so much growth... so much that will NOT happen without that risk.

First...
When "marriage experts" say that to be successful, a marriage takes 2 people giving 100%... I think that's low-balling it. You have to give more than you have! Yeah, I know, it makes me sound math-challenged... oh yeah, I am... but a successful marriage takes two people giving much more than 100% each.

Since "math" says more than 100% is impossible; that extra effort, time, energy, passion, wisdom... etc. needs to miraculously come from somewhere... or someONE. Yes, marriage can be successful without the intentional dependence on Jesus. BUT... without Him, you don't have access to the strength needed to give more than 100%.

Now, back to the risk and value in marrying someone...
Yes, you are risking everything when you give beyond 100% to another fallible human being. I think that's what God wants from us, however. No, He doesn't want you miserable! He wants us to LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13, the "Love Chapter", isn't only for married people, it's for everyone. The beginning of verse 8 sums up what true love really is and does... "Love never fails..." Other things may be tried in an attempt to help or fix, but LOVE NEVER FAILS!

Love never fails. But humans do.

And even when our humanness causes the failure of a marriage, all is not lost! The effort, time, energy... EVERYthing you put into your marriage is worth it. The most obvious gifts from marriage would be kids! But there is much more that is gained! The lessons learned while loving have great value!

What I've said so far is simply my "ever-so-humble-opinion" It is an opinion that's been educated by a lifetime of experiences that I've let Jesus use to teach me. And He will continue to teach me through things that HAVE happened and WILL happen.

A few observations from my experience...

Nothing is wasted!! Nothing, not a bloomin' thing! I gained a lot during my marriage that I would not have if I'd not been married. My kids and grandkids are the best things that came from it! Also, I learned an incredible amount during my 30 years of marriage... Here's an abbreviated list of things I learned:

• How to manage a household (although by "managed" I mean "barely controlled chaos")
• How to fix almost anything... with wire, hair ties, superglue or duct tape
• How to get gum out of clothing, hair and VCRs
• How to get the smell of vomit out of almost anything... even the vents in the car
• How to stay awake all night with a sick or terrified child... without the aid of coffee
• How to set aside wants because someone else has a need
• How to never give up hope that things will get better
• How to fight for a marriage
• How to let God fight for that marriage
• How to let go when God says it's time
• How to let God heal when life seems beyond repair
• How to look back and realize none of it was wasted

There is a multitude of other lessons that have been learned... including some about helping children understand about raising animals for food and a few regarding the need for steel-toed boots when cutting firewood... I just chose a few and will leave the rest to your imagination.

The knowledge and (semi)wisdom I've gained makes the risks well worth it!

Do I have regrets? Absolutely!! But I try to let Jesus take those and redeem them like everything else. I look back and have to say that if anything was different back then, I might not be where I am right now.  And I really like where I am, doing what I'm doing... and LOVE where God is leading me... not that I know exactly where that is and how it will look... BUT I am LOVING the adventure!!

A prayer...

   Sandra is out on the patio and has fallen asleep reading again. She's talking in her sleep... more like mumbling. I'm often overwhelmed with how cute, amazing, vulnerable and sometimes sad she is. 
   We spent almost an hour and a half chatting this morning... memories came like a tsunami. I think it was precipitated by her feeling dumb for having forgotten a birthday. 
   Jesus, her stories are always the same. I continue to enjoy hearing her tell them. She sometimes has an insatiable need to tell them. I do love hearing about the things that obviously still delight her. But, Jesus, so many stories come with such pain and even bitterness. Please free her from these thoughts that give her such sadness! The bitter thoughts sometimes almost seem like an addiction. But more than likely the extreme emotion that goes with them has seared them in her brain. 
   Lord! I would first ask that You heal Sandy from this ugly disease. I don't care what that means for my future! I want her whole!!! Lord, if pieces of her mind have to keep disappearing, I ask that You take those painful memories first!! Oh, Jesus... Jesus, please break the chains those memories have on her! Guard her mind with the power of Your blood... Guard those delightful memories. Keep them in there solidly. And let the hurtful ones go. 
   Please help Sandy see how much You delight in her. Help her to see how forgiven and loved she is. Help her to see the adored, desired and chosen daughter that she is. Show her how thrilled You are that she has chosen You in return. Not for pride's sake, but for the sake of her peace. Jesus, please, as she's dreaming, fill her mind with the sights and knowledge of You and Your love for her. Show me ways I can speak truth to her. Help me keep my eyes open to guard against the things that make her remember the hurts. 
   Jesus, I thank You for Sandy and the legacy and the family that she has nurtured. I thank You for how You have cared for me and encouraged me through this family. Guide them through the ugly things ahead. Give them a glimpse of the beauty You create from ugly things! Show each of them the overwhelming love You have for them. Solidify the knowledge that You go in front of them. That Your hand has a tight hold on them and nothing will ever come between You and them... Not events, attitudes, actions can break that hold!
   Thank you for spoiling me... I have no words to describe how grateful I am... will shut up now and let the Holy Spirit interpret my frail attempts at adoration and thankfulness. I am nothing without You and thank You for being right here, always... In Your name, Jesus, and by the power of Your blood.

A Cheddarhead in Texas!

Hard to believe I've been in Texas for 6 months already! God has confirmed over and over and over that this is where He wants me.

I moved here in October as the first stop on a New Journey in life. God's leading has been pretty obvious along the way. When I came, my intention was to get my CNA, but it became clear quickly that wasn't going to be as advantageous as I'd thought. In December, the opportunity to get a Medical Assistant certification figuratively plopped into my lap. It has been evident since that education started that it is simply the best fit for what I will be needing for traveling respite care. That fact was never more evident than in the unit we just finished... "Medical Front Office". It was all about what you'd need to know to be an office manager at a medical clinic. That unit gave me the tools and resources I will need to know the workings of dealing with Drs, clinics, insurance companies and billing. I will be able to help my clients understand the "red tape" that goes along with healthcare.

Sandra, the woman I'm living with and helping, has Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's will be one of the most common forms of dementia I'll be dealing with when I get into the traveling respite care part of my future. So I'm looking forward to the next unit at school, "Nervous, Sensory and Endocrine Systems". The details I'm learning in this education are so valuable!

God knows!! He knows exactly what we will need and when we need it!

Thank you, Jesus!!

Easter Hope

I woke up this Easter morning thinking of my Dad. It brought on such a strange emotion. I can only describe it as "melancholy hope". I miss Dad something fierce, but would never wish him back here! He's whole and completely content WITH His Savior. And I know I'll see him again!

One of the first things I enjoyed today (besides my coffee :-D ) was this sight of Sandra's roses! This picture is such a reminder of hope. A stunning, fully open rose, with more buds promising to be just a beautiful. It says, no, shouts, "We've been given so much... but LOOK... there's even more coming!!"

I'm left being extremely thankful that Jesus brought memories of my dad today. Easter!! It's a day full of reminders that our eternal life can be 100% secure in Him! HOPE!! And not just a full life after we die, but an abundant life now! No matter what is happening in and around us... we are promised by the God of the universe; our King; our heavenly Dad that NOTHING can separate us from Him. He is still whispering over us the words from Isaiah 43: "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are Mine!" 

NOTHING that happens here will go UNREDEEMED!

I'm Recovering From ECS!!

I was very recently diagnosed with ECS. It's a fairly common malady, as far as syndromes go. In my case, it started early in my life, but it was at its peak in my 20s, 30s, 40s and my early 50s. Though the syndrome can be crippling, it is rarely life-threatening.  

What 'illness' am I talking about? ECS is Emotional Constipation Syndrome! The symptoms aren't always easy to spot, but once I realized there was something amiss I started to recognize the most common symptoms of ECS:

• Mistakenly labeling myself as "too sensitive"
• Calling myself a "sap"
• Shame at how easily tears or laughter hits me
• Not admitting my emotions affect my day and my actions
• Apologizing for how deeply I feel emotions

I can laugh about it now. But for most of my life, I was under the impression that my emotions were at least an annoyance, if not a curse! I am not going to blame the influences that led me to hold my emotions in. My highs and lows would logically make some people uncomfortable. And some of those people were very vocal about that discomfort. And instead of observing and acknowledging their discomfort and moving on... I would apologize and try to squelch my emotions. I learned to repress something that was innate to my very being! I even despised my depth of emotions. In essence, it was part of the foundation of my insecurity. It was part of being insecure in my place in the family of Jesus too! I guess I figured I wasn't being controlled by the Holy Spirit. And, of course, that heaped more guilt into that cart of burdens I pushed around for years.

So, what brought the diagnosis?! Why has it taken so long to come to light? It took a really "crappy" weekend. Of course, my favorite Physician was available instantly. Assisting Him is a certain "nurse" that often helps when I'm in need of a consultation. I'm so thankful for a daughter that knows just what to say to remind me of truths that Jesus has been trying to teach me!

Jesus has been doing such a work in me in the past decade... but especially in the past 2 years. I have become much more comfortable with my emotions and have realized I spent the last 30 years stuffing. Stuffing my feelings and emotions. I felt guilty about expressing my feelings. I felt shame at the depth of my emotions!

I know that emotions can take control of situations and decisions. But that's where Jesus comes in. As I become comfortable with the fact that God made me an emotional being, I can drop the guilt over those emotions and take them to Him. I know that He can use those emotions in healthy ways. 

I'm not completely cured yet. There aren't really any laxatives that you can take for ECS. And I expect there will be some lingering symptoms... guilt and fear. But Jesus is doing an awesome job of curing me of those, I'll let Him take care of my emotions too. After all, He is my creator, my protector, my provider, my shepherd... John 10:9-10 (AMP) I am the Door; anyone who enters through Me will be saved [and will live forever], and will go in and out [freely], and find pasture (spiritual security). The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. 

If you're walking down the street and there's someone uproariously laughing one minute then bawling over a kitten picture the next... yeah, that's me. Don't be embarrassed if you want to sit down next to me and laugh and weep as well. We'll enjoy the good laugh, the good cry, share a box of tissues, look at each other and nod... knowing that it is good to feel LIFE so deeply, so abundantly!!