Memory - When FFH "Encouraged" a Young Man

 

    A funny memory from early in the 2000s...

    I was working at Life 102.5, the Christian radio station in Madison, WI. I used to do a request show during the noon hour. So, several times during that hour, I'd get to play a song for someone, and it was often for a special reason. Many people would dedicate songs for birthdays, anniversaries, or to encourage a friend. One afternoon, I took a call from a mom who told me a story about something that had JUST happened. She was laughing as she told me. 

    She said that they keep the radio on all day to help maintain a positive attitude in the house. Despite that, her 10-year-old son had gotten in trouble that morning, and he was sent to his room. I had just played FFH, Ready to Fly, and her son had hollered out from his room (somewhat angrily), "This song is MY song." She was chuckling at his spunk and then asked me for the lyrics to the song. I looked them up and started to read... then we BOTH cracked up laughing. The very first phrase is, "I've been here grounded far too long..." Smart kid, great sense of humor, AND I give him extra points for using Christian music to get his point across. Not sure if his mom let him off the hook, but it sure left me with a fun memory.

His Story, My Story, Your Story...

 His Story, My Story, Your Story... has an empty grave.

Music, specifically worship music grabs my soul. I have been listening to worship music a LOT since Gwen left this earth. Most of the time, the channel we listen to is "Worship Initiative". It has an abundance of God-focused worship music. Many songs are familiar and some are original to Worship Initiative. I love how God uses music to teach me truths from His Word, ease anxiety or simply to settle and relax me.

Catch Me Singing came on in the rotation a while back. It's a slow to medium-tempo worship song that talks about God's work getting done in HIS time. It encourages believers to keep their eyes on Him and watch how He works things out for good and His glory. I like Worship Initiative's version. John Marc Kohl is the lead voice and the music has some unique sounds. Watch the video, you'll see what I mean.

The 3rd verse says, "This story has an empty grave". Now, I had heard the song many times, but this time, I felt God saying to me, "Gwen's story... your story has an empty grave also."

Good thing I keep some tissues close. 

Don't Stop Praying, by Matthew West

        When I first heard this song, we were often and earnestly praying for Danny’s daughter, Vanessa. We have watched her inch closer to Jesus, and we continue to pray for her. We also prayed for Gwen, my daughter, who has struggled with PTSD because of actions and words from her father (my first husband). The song truly encouraged me!! It helped me to fervently and confidently petition my Heavenly Father for the burdens on my heart. I believed James 5:16.

        I work in Christian radio, and I hear every day how music touches hearts. I've often cranked up the volume when a song God was using in me at the time would come on. "Don't Stop Praying" was one of those.

        The prayers for Gwen became more detailed and urgent in January (2024) when she gave birth to her 3rd baby, and Postpartum Depression reared its ugly head again. She’d had PPD with her first and then almost none with her second. So when it showed up again, it really surprised and discouraged her, and it triggered her PTSD. But even in her struggle, she still reached out to others who needed encouragement! However, over the next couple of months, her PTSD became like a cancer in her brain. By the end of April, the PTSD and PPD exploded in her brain, and she was no longer our Gwen. She believed everyone would be better off without her, and on May 1st, she chose to take her own life, leaving a husband, 3 little boys... and a thriving online ministry.

        Ok, gonna get pretty raw here... It was at that point that “Don’t Stop Praying” ceased being encouraging, and I would even roll my eyes and turn it down when it came on. Before this happened, I had NOT STOPPED praying for Gwen… I think every waking hour included a prayer for her of some sort! Even in the middle of the night, I’d wake up and instantly pray for her. After her death, my prayers became cries of “Why?!” I watch her husband ask that question too! It's agony, not just for me, but to watch him suffer so!! Oh, and the anger! I was angry at God. My prayers were variations of... “God, I was asking… no, BEGGING you to heal Gwen!! How could you just stand back and let this happen?! You COULD have healed her!! Why didn’t you send someone to stop her!! YOU could have stopped her!! Why? Why?! WHY?!?!”

        As I was showering one morning, I was praying for Allie, a friend's 17-year-old daughter who has an aggressive form of cancer in her spine. I asked God to heal her, KNOWING that God can heal. But it was as if I was having two concurrent conversations. One I was praying out loud, and one was in the back of my head. So, as I was praying out loud for healing for Allie, I was also saying, "God, you could have healed Gwen... and I'm STILL not happy you didn't... and I still want to know why you didn't!!!" I continued praying aloud, "In the miracle of Allie's healing, it would give You so much glory... her doctors, nurses, and all the family and friends... it would give people HOPE..." I can hardly describe what I felt Him saying in reply... "What do you think would glorify My name more... what would give the world more hope? Healing one person? Or would it be as the world sees the work I'm doing in the lives of everyone around the person I've called home?" I knew He was having a dual conversation with me... His question was about Allie AND about Gwen. I gasped and bawled!! FYI... the shower is a good place for ugly cries.

        I will continue to pray for Allie's healing. I pray hers is different from Gwen's; that it will come on THIS side of Heaven's gates. I will also (eventually, consistently) thank God for His ultimate healing of Gwen... and His promise of working in the lives of those of us who miss Gwen so much. He and I will also wrestle over the whys and should-haves, but I know He can handle those conversations, too.

        I've recently had glimpses of things. God has used the days I wouldn't pray to give me glimpses of how it must feel to not know Him, to not have hope! My trust in God has some layers that I've not experienced before. Layers that I would not have understood before. I trust Him, His faithfulness, His patience, His love... He won't leave me even when I'm angry and screaming at Him. His promise is to "never leave me or forsake me"... and I've experienced it. But I feel like I could have written Psalm 77. I also fully believe He never left or turned His back on Gwen. Would He have rather it was under different circumstances, maybe, probably... but I KNOW He welcomed her into Heaven. I may have to go through the rest of my earthly life without knowing any of the "Whys" and will have to be content with that.

Soooo... back to the "Don't Stop Praying". The second verse says:

When you've cried and you've cried 'til your tears run dry

The answer won't come, and you don't know why

And you wonder if you can bow your head even one more time

Oh, do it one more time

        I will continue to pray. I'll boldly pray for miracles, knowing they may not look like I want them to. I will thank Him for answered prayer... even if the answer isn't what I think it should be. Someday, I will consistently be able to admit that God DID answer my prayers for Gwen and be thankful that she IS healed... healed perfectly and permanently.

I'm experiencing that prayer is so much more than just asking for things and wanting things to go my way. It's a conversation... chatting with the Creator of the universe... how amazing is that?!

        I don't roll my eyes and turn the song down... nearly as often. Someday, I hope to thank Matthew West for letting God use him to write a song that has touched me and many others.

Wow! What a Year!!

Early March, 2020 was really the first idea that Covid was truly a worldwide health problem. Isolation, or what they called "quarantine", started mid-March and was only supposed to be a couple weeks to "slow the curve".

Then weeks and weeks of conflicting information and suggestions made us start to question... "What's really going on here?!" I went through Medical Assistant training in 2015. I LOVED it. One of my favorite units was about the immune system. So when this all started happening, I had some clues as to what viruses do and how to control spread and symptoms. I also knew our bodies were created to fend off viruses. This "new" outbreak also spurred more questions... that were not being answered. Then we found out that it was likely a genetically manipulated virus. Which created MORE questions. It's been a year of a LOT of education for those that like to ask questions.

So, here we are a year later and many of those questions have been answered, but many have not. The frustrating part is the reaction to the questions. The media and politicians have chosen their favorite doctors and scientists. If you still have questions, you become a problem for them.

I have become SO frustrated by those put in authority over others (political figures, bosses, schools... even spouses, parents and grandparents) that are bullying people into getting ANY "maxine", but especially the new experimental med therapy!! 😡 I was listening to a podcast yesterday and heard something that will resonate with most of us here... ❤ They were talking about the bullying and being made to feel we CAN'T ask questions. As a survivor of spousal abuse, this quote really struck me...!! 💪

"Ask questions. If you're in a situation... I feel inclined to say one more time... If you're in a situation where asking the question is met with hostility and anger and bullying... Then, to me, that's an indication you're not in a "safe space". - Meeke Addison.

TRUTH!! NO?!?! 

NOTE: YES, I know "maxine" is the wrong word. But since so many platforms are flagging certain words and phrases... I have decided to be a bit cryptic. 

She will always be my hero.

Mom fell in late June 2020, ended up in the hospital and then went to a local nursing home with the intention of getting stronger to be in an assisted living facility.

While she was in the nursing home, they found Mom had developed extremely high calcium levels and it made her pretty "loopy" (this is likely why she fell). She was not able to process questions or respond. After oodles of tests (blood work and CT scans), they tracked down the cause of the high calcium levels. They are certain it is because of Large-Cell Lymphoma and it had metastasized. 

NOTE: Mom had mentioned a couple times in April of 2020 that she was having more pain than usual but chalked it up to not being able to do her swim classes at the Y. She also said it was almost impossible to get into the Dr. because of covid restrictions. Her undiagnosed cancer remained unchecked. I'd had many conversations with her over the years and know she would not have done anything to treat it. BUT if we'd known it was there, we could have drastically changed things. We could have implemented treatments to keep her comfortable and safe. 

When Mom developed hypercalcemia, she couldn't make her own decisions for her care and I was made her Power of Attorney for Healthcare.

On Sunday, August 9th, the family (my brother, Mike, Nick and Gwen) gathered at the hospital in Janesville and everyone agreed that Mom/Grandma would NOT want life-prolonging procedures, radiation or chemo. She was put on some high doses of steroids to control the pain. 

NOTE: I set to work on Monday getting her apartment emptied and Danny joined me. We gave away and sold all kinds of things. We drove up to Mike and Patti's on Friday, Aug 14.

On Tuesday, August 11th we had her moved to my brother's house in Rhinelander. They had prepared a room for her... it was beautiful! Beautiful view, comfortable surroundings. Aspirus Hospice Care was called. Aspirus supplied everything that was needed to keep her comfortable for as long as it was needed. They came every day to bathe and change her. They educated us on morphine administration and other things we could do to keep her comfortable.

Mom was surrounded by her kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. She LOVED it!! On Friday, August 14th, she was alert and even jovial. She was her typical snarky, joking self. However, as the week closed the strong steroids wore off and her body started to shut down. By Saturday, she could barely respond. We made sure someone was sitting with her all day. And there was a monitor in her room to listen to her overnight.

We started to go to bed on Sunday night the 16th, but something told us that the end was near and we decided to sit up with her that night. Mike & Patti, (my brother and his wife), me & Dan surrounded her bed. With music in the background, we would sing to her, pray and talk to her. I remembered not knowing when exactly my dad passed, so as the night got deeper, I decided to keep the stethoscope on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. I was overwhelmed by memories and by her strength. I was practically curled up in bed with her... holding her hand and listening to her beautiful heart.

At 10:45pm on Sunday, August 16th, we witnessed her take her last breath and I heard her last heartbeat.

Mom went from laying in a bed to running through the gates of Heaven into the waiting arms of her Savior and my Dad.

Later, I had this twinge... a feeling that it was morbid for me to listen to her heart as it stopped. But almost immediately, I felt God comfort me, as if to say, "No, no, no, my child. Your mom's heartbeat was the first thing your ears heard when she carried you in her womb. What an amazing privilege to be able to hear her last heartbeat." God loves us so much! He ALWAYS knows what we need!

NOTE: I am finally able to write this... eight months later! The emptiness has been hard to describe. I have never experienced life without my mom. My MIL reminded me that "No one has ever known you or will ever know you like your mom did." That describes it so well. Our humanness wants to be known, to be understood. And a mom knows you best and loves you completely.

Interestingly, and thankfully... God knows us even better! He knows our deepest thoughts, our deepest hurts and things we think have been kept secret. And He loves us completely, perfectly and unconditionally. I know my mom was looking forward to the day she could tell Him to His face how thankful she was for that love. I can't wait for the day to thank Him as well... and to get another hug from my mom... and joke around with her! 

I HAVE to mention that just minutes before she was led into Heaven by Jesus, THIS SONG was playing!

And with everything going on in the world, I wish I could chat with her and pray with her.

Man, I miss her.

 

Overwhelmed in Idaho

I love the views from the valleys in Idaho.

God has given me some incredible opportunities in recent years. Some of the most amazing things happened during road trips! God used all those miles and those days to do some miraculous healing to my psyche.

One of those road trips was in 2015 when I left Salmon, Idaho, after spending most of the summer taking care of my Aunt Donna. I headed southeast toward Grand Teton National Park, where I'd reserved a night in one of the cabins in the park

Accompanying me on all those road trips (besides Jesus, of course) was music... LOTS of music! Some from the radio, but most from CDs. On this particular day, I had popped in one of the many CDs onto which I had dubbed various songs that I liked. If you're anywhere close to my age, these CDs are much like the cassette tapes we used to make in Junior High... capturing our favorite music to play over and over again. 

As I headed toward the Tetons that foggy, misty morning, I had one of those "mixtape" CDs on. I was enjoying the view... flat valleys with a stream meandering through them... seeing the base of the mountains lining either side of the valley. 

As the sun got higher and the mist started to burn off, I could see more and more of the mountains. Up ahead, I could see a break in the clouds, and I looked forward to being out of the fog. Just as the clouds separated to show the deep blue sky of Idaho... THIS song by Big Daddy Weave came on... I had to pull over for a bit because I was truly Overwhelmed by God's creation and His gifts to me.

"I delight myself in You 
Captivated by Your beauty 
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You" 

The song will live on in my memories as just one way God has reminded me of His love for me and how He delights in delighting me!

Took this just before being "Overwhelmed"

The next morning, in Grand Teton National Park.

My mom, my hero

I'm sitting in Mom's hospital room watching her sleep. It's a blessing because when she's awake she's in a lot of pain. When she fell, she twisted some things and banged others. Then she tried to scooch herself along the floor to get to a phone. Never made it to the phone and was left with raw spots from the 'scooching'.

The idea of her trying to get herself righted and trying to call for help and then laying on the floor for 2 and a half days... these visions will give me nightmares for quite some time. And I feel guilty. I should have been there for her!

Now we have decisions to make. Decisions that we knew would come eventually, but it should not have been this soon.

Mom has always been so strong and independent, even at 86! It breaks my heart how the last 4 months have taken that away from her. In early March she was still teaching water aerobics 3 days a week. She did her own shopping. Mom went to Prayer Circle every Thursday and prayed with friends. Then they'd go out for lunch. She went to church and was loved on by her church family with hugs and tales of events at school. Everyone calls her Grandma Dorothy.

Things changed when a virus showed up. Inactivity and lack of human contact has been so detrimental to millions of people, including my mom. The virus has nearly killed her and she's never been infected!

Please pray for my mom and for the decisions that my brother and I need to make.

That's love...!

It wasn’t until after I had kids of my own that Christmas took on a deeper meaning. The holiday now conjures up thoughts of how Mary and Joseph felt as expectant parents, new parents and parents learning to let their kids go… Did either of them even have a clue what was in store for Jesus?

When my oldest was a baby, I had a full-length mirror attached to the back of my bedroom door. At first, he would have conversations with the babe in the mirror. When he learned it was himself in the mirror, it was great fun!! About the time he was learning to walk, he fell into the mirror and cracked it. That small crack was enough to cut him as he fell. When he started to bleed, I tried not to panic, but it was his first real wound and it bled like crazy!! As I bandaged him up, God gave me some perspective.

As much as my heart ached at seeing my son bleed and hurt, it didn’t come close in comparison to the wounds that God’s Son took for us!! I gasped out loud when that thought hit me. Then I had to admit to myself that I could NEVER give my son for someone else! Don’t take this personally, but… I can say I love you and mean it. However, I don’t love you enough to give my son for you. But that’s exactly what God did for us. MIND BENDER!!!

And to bend the mind a bit more, God knew LONG before Jesus was born to Mary that He would die for us!!! THAT is how deep God’s love is for us.

About 16 years after this little “epiphany” of mine, the Christian music group Selah released a Christmas CD that had a song on it that beautifully conveys this whole mind-bending love that God has for us…

Mystery by Selah

God Redeems

 

Annie's way to see in the dark? Close your eyes...

Amanda, my niece-in-law (is that what you call your nephew's wife?!) tagged me in a post with a beautiful arrangement of one of my favorite 70's songs, Annie's Song! Of COURSE, I love that song!! It has my name in it! ...doesn't everybody have a little self-centeredness in them?! 

The young man plays it on a unique instrument and is accompanied by a violinist... take a listen, it's beautiful!

I played it over, several times. The sound is simply intriguing. Plus, there was something familiar about the way it sounded. Especially the intro... 

Then it hit me... It sounds like the intro to a song that Jesus has used many times to comfort me. He's used it to remind me how much He loves me and how close He is, all the time, even when everything seemed incredibly dark!! 

Maybe you're needing a Hand to hold in the night... A Way to See in the Dark by Jason Gray.