The Strangest Things...

The strangest things make me cry. Am at "our" house today. Cleaning out and packing up more things. Some of these things make me smile... like the countless candles and holders. I love candles... always have, always will.

For some reason when I took a cute "welcome friends" sign down off the side of the house, I broke down in tears. It was a gift from T. It's kind of kitschy, but it has hearts and acorns... some more of my favorite things. I remember when he put it up on the house. It made me smile every time I'd drive up to the house. I've always hoped it was the first thing that people saw and it would start to warm their heart.

But this house is no longer welcoming. And I have to process that. I don't think I have to be okay with it not being warm and welcoming anymore, but I can NOT let that affect me. My "home" is with Jesus. And I don't mean Heaven in this instance. I mean I'm Jesus' home. He's in me and with me everywhere I go. So, like a turtle, I take my home with me. Haha!!

I might have to add turtles as 'some of my favorite things'!!

30th Anniversary?

Every time I see a post on facebook about someone's anniversary... I must let out an audible, heavy sigh. I am happy for them, but right now it hurts. I know I'll be able to rejoice with the celebrators again... someday... but this year will be tough!

This December 29th will be (maybe) our 30th anniversary. I say "maybe" because I really don't know. Everyone... friends, family, lawyers... say to make the cut as soon as possible because of his inability to get anything done with our mutual property. His inability is going to become a liability.

My original plan was to not convert the legal separation to a divorce at all and let him do it because... I don't want to divorce him!!! I've thought about letting it go the full year and then revisit the issue. Then, I've thought it would be good to wait until after the anniversary to be able to say that at least we made it 30 years. But maybe it's more "poetic" to end it before a major milestone like 30 years. It basically ended right after our 29th anyway.

I'm still not exactly sure what happened!

His facebook post on our anniversary said, "For 29 years I wake up every morning reach over and think to myself "she's still here". Wow that woman has unending patience. :-) " And by the end of January he was telling me that he didn't want to work on us anymore and didn't think he could forgive me.

So, what the tar happened?!!

A marriage takes two! Period! 

Our 29 years of marriage weren't perfect, but they weren't horrible either. I remember the many times I felt loved and the many times he told me he felt loved. Yet, that was the problem come January... he "never felt loved"... and even said I wasn't capable of loving someone. I realize he had to say things to rationalize his actions. But to be honest there is some truth in there. I can understand how he might feel unloved. I'd grown un-trusting. 

Until all this happened, I never would have called T abusive, but decades of his anger and aggression left me not trusting him. 

Six years ago T started to change. His relationship with Jesus truly started to become real and close. He became gregarious and compassionate. I loved the changes. He was suddenly, as I've often described it, 85% less aggressive and angry. But anytime I'd see ANY anger or impatience my insides would close up... I was just sure the old T was back. I could not completely forgive him. There were days that I'd let it go. However, when something would happen between us, I'd pick up the old hurt and feel the bitterness creep back in. I'm sure he could feel the wall I had in my heart. 

You know... I always held out hope that things would get better, that we could get help. But he refused to get counseling. I've asked MANY times over 29 years that we go for counseling. He'd have nothing of it. I know he thought he should be able to fix what was broken and fix what he'd broken. I naively and pridefully thought we could repair ourselves... never really understanding ALL the broken things there were. And I didn't know all the brokenness that was inside him... that was broken long before I even met him. 

T grew in Jesus greatly and was encouraging so many people! Last fall a sweet little church in town asked him to come and be their co-pastor. How exciting! We felt he was being called there. I KNOW it was a true calling. 

He started in November of 2013. Unfortunately, neither one of us knew what kind of storm satan was going to send our way. And we were definitely not prepared for it. We didn't have the tools to prepare us for it or to weather this kind of storm. And, of course, it came in the form of an attractive, needy woman. What started as encouragement to a harried mom of two girls (one with special needs) who felt neglected by her husband... quickly grew to much more. And in less than two months he dove off that cliff. He went from his warm, sweet anniversary post on Dec 29th, 2013 - to telling me that she fulfilled the emotional needs that I "never did"... before the end of February, 2014.

Over the last 8 months I've asked and even begged... and lovingly offered for us to work on reconciling. He has chosen to stay on this path away from me and away from his family.

The heaviest question that has been on my mind since he first said he couldn't forgive me was... "How can he get so 'hot in Jesus' to suddenly go so cold?!" NOTHING about it made sense... until last weekend. 

A shaft of light, a glimpse into what happened came during that sweet conversation I had with my daughter in a cute, little Starbucks on WI Ave.

Gwen said God gave her a picture of what He's tried to do with her Dad. 

God had spent decades pursuing T and 6-7 years ago he started to open up to what God has for him. He opened up to the overwhelming love and grace God has for him. God was pouring Himself into T and he was flourishing. But there were a few "rooms" that T wouldn't let God in to deal with what was inside. He wouldn't even admit that they needed to be dealt with or couldn't admit the rooms even existed! 

These are rooms that hold wounds. The room that holds the wounds from his childhood; deep wounds that are still infected. There's also the room that holds the wounds he had inflicted on us, his family. I can understand not wanting to go in there! How painful it must be to even admit those rooms exist, let alone peek in there. I'm sure it's so painful that he refused to go in there. (I know. I've had to open the door to rooms I'd avoided for decades too. It "hurts like thunder"!!!) He would have to give an account for his actions and his pride wouldn't let him. He was going to have to admit that there were wounds that affected him and his pride kept him from that too. Who knows what other secret rooms are in there that he refuses to let God deal with and heal?! 

So, like the apostle Paul dealt with pride in Hymeneaus and Alexander in 1 Timothy 1:19-29, God is letting T go his own way... to be "handed over to satan." No, I don't believe he's lost his salvation! But he had certainly grown very prideful in "his" message. Yet didn't let God in to take care of what needed to be taken care of! God didn't create us as robots and won't force Himself or His love, mercy and grace on anyone! T has to come to the end of himself. 

I'm thankful God has given me the ability to forgive T. I have a huge amount of pity for him. Not the kind of pity that goes and rescues... Jesus is the only one that can truly rescue! Pity... or maybe it's empathy... it doesn't have to be this way. T is in for a world of hurt and it would be (in my mind) so easy to avoid this pain. Add to that the pain of realizing, eventually, he is taking two families with him... and hundreds of others who trusted him and love him.

Thankfully, this family... our two sons and daughter... has chosen to try not to agonize over T's choices and we want God to redeem our past and give us life abundant!!

That life abundant will eventually include being able to focus on the wonderful things that happened in the 29 years of my marriage to T. It may include a redemption of that marriage. And it may not. But life abundant is mine anyway! It's because on April 7th, 1970 I chose to believe that Jesus came and died for me and God raised Him from the dead. In essence Jesus became my bridegroom that day. So, truthfully...? I'm getting close to my 45th anniversary next April. I think I'll focus on that one!!

Come on in...

Welcome Home - by Shaun Groves

That stinky pile in the corner...

Romans 8:26-30

I often look back and see how God has been orchestrating things to create a single event that can be life-changing! It happened again recently.

First I have to say one thing: I do NOT believe God causes bad things to happen. We can see how God uses bad, evil things to teach us, but He does not cause evil!! We live in a fallen world and there is evil out there and for now, God is allowing it... and He will redeem it all eventually. Right now, in Christ, He has redeemed us, our actions and continues to redeem... for our good!

OK, back to the orchestrating... 

I went to the Dr. last week to address some issues that were beyond ignoring any longer. I'd become (even more) spacey and it was affecting my job. So I went with the intention of looking at possible hormone issues... or vitamin or mineral deficiencies. As the visit progressed though, she realized that my biggest problem is stress. With my thyroid going crazy and its removal, my Dad's health decline and his passing and my husband's betrayal... my health was going in the wrong direction. She put me on Short-term disability/FMLA until October 1st. 

Of course, my first reaction is to feel guilty!! In my eyes this is the WORST time to leave work! We have a major fundraiser coming up next week! (Big eye-roll) God's working on the guilt and I know there's a purpose to the timing of this. I'm only beginning to see it. And one of His purposes came to fruition this weekend.

This summer I hurt my back a bit. Nothing serious, just pinched some nerves while packing and moving. The Dr. gave me some stretching exercises and they've been helping. But it's been tender enough, I wasn't sure I'd be able to walk in the annual Briggs and Al's Run & Walk for Children's Hospital. It wasn't hurting Saturday morning, so I thought it would be fine. However, we got about a third of the way into the walk and I knew I'd better not push it. So Gwen and I spent the rest of the morning at Starbucks chatting. 

We both needed it!! 

I was able to listen to some things that God had put on her heart and be blessed. He'd given her truths that I needed to hear. And through circumstances and recent interactions with people He'd already been preparing my heart to hear them and receive them.

I am profoundly amazed at my Heavenly Daddy's love for me! He orchestrates, nurtures and protects even in the events and places that we don't think to ask! And abundantly so in those that we remember to ask!!

So... if you happen to see a moldy pile of stinky burdens in the corner by the fireplace in a cute, little Starbucks on Wisconsin Ave in Milwaukee... just ignore them and walk away. I left them there with the help of a sweet daughter who knows how to convey God's messages to a mama's heart! Go order the Salted Caramel Mocha and revel in its delightful salty-sweetness and know that God has so much more for us here AND in Heaven!

Back off, sucka!!

Throughout the last 8 months or so I've had so many people tell me, "You're such a strong woman!" And each time I cringe inside because I know the truth... I'm weaker than wet toilet paper!! 

Satan's minions have been working overtime to steal some things that are rightfully mine. And these aren't the cute little yellow minions we enjoy in a kid's movie! These are the kind that spy on us and lie to us. Their boss is called the father of lies and he knows how to use those lies, REALLY well!

In Ephesians 6 (the Whole Armor of God) we're encouraged to hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery darts our enemy shoots at us. I believe there are thousands of different kinds of darts he uses. But his lies are some of his most affective.

Yes, satan lies to people to try and trip them up. These are the lies that say, "Oh come on, the government already gets so much of your money, it's ok if you hide this income." Or "Nooo... it's fine, you deserve happiness, so go ahead step out of that marriage where you don't feel fulfilled." Those could be considered the obvious lies.

The dart, the lie, that Satan likes to use most on me is condemnation. Even when he lies to get us to rationalize bad behavior... it's to use condemnation to paralyze us. For decades, I didn't understand... didn't believe the full scope of God's love for me. I believed that because I wasn't the "perfect little Christian girl" that God was mad at me... or at least was holding a grudge because I had sinned after making my decision to believe in Him. It didn't matter how many times I'd asked forgiveness for the same thing... I still felt condemned. Aaaah, there it is... the word "felt". And every time I messed up, I felt more condemned. I'd read Romans 8:1 many times, so why did I still feel condemned?! Lies... believing lies! It was logical, in my head, it was because I wasn't "perfect" that a perfect God would be mad that I have not been able to live up to "His standard". That is a total, satanic lie!!!

The book of Isaiah is a book of prophecy. In Isaiah 53 we can read details of Jesus' life and death, His sacrifice to redeem us. Then in Isaiah 54 we see how we reap the benefits of this sacrifice. Isaiah 54:9-10 is a passage that talks loudly... no, I'm gonna say it screams to me!! God's not mad!! He no longer looks at my past, my mistakes, my sins... I'm redeemed, I'm HIS!

I still struggle with hearing and believing the lies.  And I eventually realize it and tell satan to, "Back off sucka! You have no power here!!" I look forward to the day when those lies are nothing but an ignore-able whisper. 

Now, when people tell me I'm strong and I remind them I'm not... I don't want to make them feel bad or silly or make them think I don't know what they mean. I do understand. I probably would say the same thing. But the fact is; I am weak! And it's ok, because I know where to go when life gets really heavy!