This December 29th will be (maybe) our 30th anniversary. I say "maybe" because I really don't know. Everyone... friends, family, lawyers... say to make the cut as soon as possible because of his inability to get anything done with our mutual property. His inability is going to become a liability.
My original plan was to not convert the legal separation to a divorce at all and let him do it because... I don't want to divorce him!!! I've thought about letting it go the full year and then revisit the issue. Then, I've thought it would be good to wait until after the anniversary to be able to say that at least we made it 30 years. But maybe it's more "poetic" to end it before a major milestone like 30 years. It basically ended right after our 29th anyway.
I'm still not exactly sure what happened!
His facebook post on our anniversary said, "For 29 years I wake up every morning reach over and think to myself "she's still here". Wow that woman has unending patience. :-) " And by the end of January he was telling me that he didn't want to work on us anymore and didn't think he could forgive me.
So, what the tar happened?!!
A marriage takes two! Period!
Our 29 years of marriage weren't perfect, but they weren't horrible either. I remember the many times I felt loved and the many times he told me he felt loved. Yet, that was the problem come January... he "never felt loved"... and even said I wasn't capable of loving someone. I realize he had to say things to rationalize his actions. But to be honest there is some truth in there. I can understand how he might feel unloved. I'd grown un-trusting.
Until all this happened, I never would have called T abusive, but decades of his anger and aggression left me not trusting him.
Six years ago T started to change. His relationship with Jesus truly started to become real and close. He became gregarious and compassionate. I loved the changes. He was suddenly, as I've often described it, 85% less aggressive and angry. But anytime I'd see ANY anger or impatience my insides would close up... I was just sure the old T was back. I could not completely forgive him. There were days that I'd let it go. However, when something would happen between us, I'd pick up the old hurt and feel the bitterness creep back in. I'm sure he could feel the wall I had in my heart.
You know... I always held out hope that things would get better, that we could get help. But he refused to get counseling. I've asked MANY times over 29 years that we go for counseling. He'd have nothing of it. I know he thought he should be able to fix what was broken and fix what he'd broken. I naively and pridefully thought we could repair ourselves... never really understanding ALL the broken things there were. And I didn't know all the brokenness that was inside him... that was broken long before I even met him.
T grew in Jesus greatly and was encouraging so many people! Last fall a sweet little church in town asked him to come and be their co-pastor. How exciting! We felt he was being called there. I KNOW it was a true calling.
He started in November of 2013. Unfortunately, neither one of us knew what kind of storm satan was going to send our way. And we were definitely not prepared for it. We didn't have the tools to prepare us for it or to weather this kind of storm. And, of course, it came in the form of an attractive, needy woman. What started as encouragement to a harried mom of two girls (one with special needs) who felt neglected by her husband... quickly grew to much more. And in less than two months he dove off that cliff. He went from his warm, sweet anniversary post on Dec 29th, 2013 - to telling me that she fulfilled the emotional needs that I "never did"... before the end of February, 2014.
Over the last 8 months I've asked and even begged... and lovingly offered for us to work on reconciling. He has chosen to stay on this path away from me and away from his family.
The heaviest question that has been on my mind since he first said he couldn't forgive me was... "How can he get so 'hot in Jesus' to suddenly go so cold?!" NOTHING about it made sense... until last weekend.
A shaft of light, a glimpse into what happened came during that sweet conversation I had with my daughter in a cute, little Starbucks on WI Ave.
Gwen said God gave her a picture of what He's tried to do with her Dad.
God had spent decades pursuing T and 6-7 years ago he started to open up to what God has for him. He opened up to the overwhelming love and grace God has for him. God was pouring Himself into T and he was flourishing. But there were a few "rooms" that T wouldn't let God in to deal with what was inside. He wouldn't even admit that they needed to be dealt with or couldn't admit the rooms even existed!
These are rooms that hold wounds. The room that holds the wounds from his childhood; deep wounds that are still infected. There's also the room that holds the wounds he had inflicted on us, his family. I can understand not wanting to go in there! How painful it must be to even admit those rooms exist, let alone peek in there. I'm sure it's so painful that he refused to go in there. (I know. I've had to open the door to rooms I'd avoided for decades too. It "hurts like thunder"!!!) He would have to give an account for his actions and his pride wouldn't let him. He was going to have to admit that there were wounds that affected him and his pride kept him from that too. Who knows what other secret rooms are in there that he refuses to let God deal with and heal?!
These are rooms that hold wounds. The room that holds the wounds from his childhood; deep wounds that are still infected. There's also the room that holds the wounds he had inflicted on us, his family. I can understand not wanting to go in there! How painful it must be to even admit those rooms exist, let alone peek in there. I'm sure it's so painful that he refused to go in there. (I know. I've had to open the door to rooms I'd avoided for decades too. It "hurts like thunder"!!!) He would have to give an account for his actions and his pride wouldn't let him. He was going to have to admit that there were wounds that affected him and his pride kept him from that too. Who knows what other secret rooms are in there that he refuses to let God deal with and heal?!
So, like the apostle Paul dealt with pride in Hymeneaus and Alexander in 1 Timothy 1:19-29, God is letting T go his own way... to be "handed over to satan." No, I don't believe he's lost his salvation! But he had certainly grown very prideful in "his" message. Yet didn't let God in to take care of what needed to be taken care of! God didn't create us as robots and won't force Himself or His love, mercy and grace on anyone! T has to come to the end of himself.
I'm thankful God has given me the ability to forgive T. I have a huge amount of pity for him. Not the kind of pity that goes and rescues... Jesus is the only one that can truly rescue! Pity... or maybe it's empathy... it doesn't have to be this way. T is in for a world of hurt and it would be (in my mind) so easy to avoid this pain. Add to that the pain of realizing, eventually, he is taking two families with him... and hundreds of others who trusted him and love him.
Thankfully, this family... our two sons and daughter... has chosen to try not to agonize over T's choices and we want God to redeem our past and give us life abundant!!
That life abundant will eventually include being able to focus on the wonderful things that happened in the 29 years of my marriage to T. It may include a redemption of that marriage. And it may not. But life abundant is mine anyway! It's because on April 7th, 1970 I chose to believe that Jesus came and died for me and God raised Him from the dead. In essence Jesus became my bridegroom that day. So, truthfully...? I'm getting close to my 45th anniversary next April. I think I'll focus on that one!!
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